I had struggled for years with a neurological disorder. The symptoms became worse with stress so I resigned from my position as a director at a local hospital.

The first two years at home were extremely challenging. No longer the ninety mile per hour driven woman I had always been I sank into a deep depression. The new medication I was taking made me sleepy and it wasn’t long until my weight began to climb. I mean I really blew up! My little 5’ 2” self got up to over two hundred pounds.

I was miserable! I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone seeing me. I wouldn’t go anywhere or talk to anyone. I just lay in bed watched television and surfed social media. My home in Looneyville had become a den of self-pity, hopelessness and envy.

It’s amazing how easy it is to get sucked into the “Am I?” torture tornado when scrolling through social media.

Everyone looks so happy and beautiful. Going on vacation here and there. Buying this and buying that. Perfect teeth, perfect kids and perfect spouses! Agh!!!!

The torture starts:

Am I ever going to have this …..?

Am I ever going to be…….?

Am I ever going to see…….?

Am I?

Am I?

Am I?

The wrong “Am I?”questions will drive you into a miserable state of discontent, resentment and anger. I know this from experience.

How can we keep the “Am I” tormentor defeated?

Be grateful!

Look around you.

Seriously, look.

You have things others can only dream about. You have accomplished successes in life others are still struggling to achieve.

In the book of 1 Samuel King Saul began to focus and fixate on David. His jealousy and envy of David blinded him. David was fighting for Saul, winning battles in the name of Saul, but all Saul could hear and see was the roar of the crowds shouting “Saul has killed his thousands, but David his 10,000’s!” His “Am I?” torment destroyed his life.

Focus on your relationship with God.

This can be hard.

Life has a way of stealing our time. Pulling us into a hundred different situations. It’s so easy to get caught up in emotions, battles of will and just plain survival mode.

God knows. He does, but He also is there with the Holy Spirit bidding for our attention and request for wisdom and direction.

Turn those “Am I?” torment questions into:

“Lord, show me…..?”

I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. Psalms 34:4

When we truly only desire what God wants in our lives our significant “AM I?” will be Am I pleasing you God?